Time for thoughts

It's our 50th Independence day today. WhEeEeeeeEEeee! Honestly, I have never been a patriotic person nor a person with a deep passion and love for the country. Perhaps I've always taken these things for granted, or perhaps I have just been plain ignorant.

Either way, these are hopefully bad habits of the past. Moving forward, I will take more notice, I will develop more love and passion for the nation and country. It's not an instantaneous character to develop, but I'll definitely strive to read more and build up my awareness.

Life is really overwhelming huh? I've always justified that growing up as a teenager into a young adult without a father's guidance is not a factor to the imperfect person I am. But I've come to realise that no matter how much I deny it, it's a fact I can't brush aside.

I love conversations with good ol' uncles with much wisdom and experience to impart. I admire the way they make decisions like a man, and I respect how they hold strongly on to Godly principles and never compromise. I long so hard for a sturdy and emotionally matured man I can look up to to guide me in decisions where I have never been guided.

Mom's been wonderful, always providing and I'm definitely never lacking in anything. But it's really overwhelming especially at this stage when I have so many unanswered questions, so many uncertainties. I am optimistic but perhaps that's the attitude I need to keep me going. How else? If I fall, I have to be strong enough to pick myself up again and optimistically try again. If I fail, I have to keep an optimistic outlook so that I will be brave enough to keep trying.

So, if you strip me off my optimism, I'm afraid you're stripping off me a huge source of my strength. When you spite me, you're basically telling me that you've lost confidence in me and I have to try even harder, on my own. When you measure me with your measuring sticks, I will never measure up.

Some call me a snob, some say I am 'lansi'. If you understand and see the circumstance I come from, you'll see a girl who is timid and shy, who needs to be encouraged and comforted. You'll see a girl who winces and is hurt by criticisms, you'll see a girl who needs affirmations and persuasion. You'll see that I have needs and feelings too.

I have been selfish, and I probably can't help continuing to be selfish as much as I try. I will keep trying to get better at my flaws and faults, but I am but me. Seeing my weaknesses indeed magnifies the grace and love of God for a sinner like me. Thank you, Jesus.